As a kid, the idea of owning a real-life lightsaber was the ultimate geeky dream. And of course it was. The lightsaber is a work of pure unbridled geek-genius and is hands down one of the coolest weapons to have ever been portrayed in cinema. However, there comes a time in every child-geek’s life where you’re struck with the reality that… maybe having a real-life lightsaber isn’t such a great idea. Think about it, how many times have you and your friends play-fought with pool noodles and you end up whacking one of them in the ear or the mouth? A lot, huh? Now imagine if that were
a lightsaber. No child should have to explain to their friend’s mom howand why their friend is now in pieces. Point is, even as kids we understood the very real ramifications of what a REAL-LIFE LIGHTSABER would actually mean. So, let’s do a deepdive on why this wondrous weapon should never ever EVER exist in the real world.
Here’s something you probably never realized: people are stupid. You and I both know that if these things were invented for real, within the first day of Elon Musk selling them, at least 40,000 people would be reported dead, triple that would have their wangs cut off, and the average time before someone experienced a serious injury would be immediately.
It’s science. But the fact is, regular people aren’t supposed to be wielding lightsabers anyway. People in Star Wars who want to use a lightsaber are required to have years of Force-training, mental fortitude, as well as complete control over their body so as to not accidentally chop their bits off.
And we all know how diligent this country is with making sure everyone who wields a weapon is properly trained. Here’s another concept that will make any sane person’s butt clench: Lightsabers + Florida. How long until you hear about someone in Florida trying to turn a lightsaber into a bong and accidentally killing themselves? I promise you, within the first 24 hours of their release, you’ll see a newspaper headline that reads, “Florida Man High on Saber Crystals Attacks Wife with Squirrel.” And this is coming from someone who grew up in Florida, so I know what I’m talking about.
Another reason why lightsabers should never be invented (because, remember, that’s a terrible idea) is that even if we somehow stopped everyone from cutting off dongs, accidentally killing friends, and bongin’ up that sweet saber-kush, lightsabers are just kinda dumb as real weapons, anyway. Never in a million years did I ever think this would be a real response I’d have to anything, but why not just use a f*cking gun? Let’s say we can master our mind, body, and emotions to wield this thing, we would just end up with a whole bunch of “Indiana Jones shooting the bad guy” situations. And we would be the bad guy! No, no you could not deflect the bullet. And even if you could, how long before you’ll screw up and take a bullet in the thigh-meat just to prove you can deflect a bullet, which you couldn’t? Pretty soon! Let’s just say that I’m sure the government’s got a lot more interest in funding other weapons, such as a sound-gun that can make you crap your pants. I don’t actually know if that’s true, but it’s still a much moreuseful weapon than a lightsaber.
And to all the people making lightsabers on YouTube that take 14 tanks of gas and twice as many people standing by for safety regulations just so it can be turned on…stop it. Just…stop. A lightsaber would need the energy of a nuclear powerplant to maintain stability, not whatever your friend Reg could find in his uncle’s junkyard. And hey, we get it, videos like this get you millions of views and likes and subscribes and tweets and follows and whatever else makes you feel good about yourselves, but you are going to create something you can’t control. You’re gonna pull a full Goldblum: “You were too busy thinking about whether or not you could, you didn’t stop to think whether or not you should.” And listen, I love lightsabers. I think they’re easily the greatest fictional piece of machinery to ever be dreamt up. But please…please….let’s do the world and everyone’s dong a favor and keep them fictional.