A fast-talking salesman and punch-up artist helps Hollywood hit-makers find that special something for their bland stories in his latest product pitch.
How ya doin’ folks?! I’m Jim Hapscomb of Topdown Creekriver, Indiana. I can tell this is gonna be a great Great GREAT product pitch today because I can see that I have a room FULL of writers, producers, directors, and—hold on—let me squint my eyes here…yup! Even some studio heads! I see Kathleen Kennedy from Disney over there! A little soon after Episode 9 for you to be confidently out and about, but OK! So, we have the whole kit and caboodle of creative forces here today and ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, have I got something that’s gonna knock your socks off. You simply won’t believe it. It’s so simple. It’s gonna sweep your whole industry and then it’s gonna grab the broom and sweep it again. You want to know what it is? It’s space. Outer space.
There’s nothin’ you can’t do with it. There’s Nothin’ it can’t do for you.
Your stunned silence tells me you’ve heard me. That’s right my friends—outer space. There’s nothin’ you can’t do with it. There’s nothin’ it can’t do for you. I’ve been helping creatives for years by working in my special brand of outer space. The campy space classic, Flash Gordon, started out as a film named Gordon about a mentally handicapped boy trying to make the football team. Then, for a small fee, Jim here added flash to it.
But why do you need what I’m selling, you ask? Let Jim be frank. I know many of you have been struggling as of late. It’s plain as day. Remakes. Reboots. Soft reboots. Live action remakes. Soft reboots of live action remakes based on TV shows. Jim feels your pain.
What do you do when you make a great film such as The Lion King, but you’re fresh out of ideas 25 years later? You make The Lion King again! Sure! Kathleen gets it! Hell, back in the day you all were making two of the same movie at once!!
Remember the years of Dante’s Peak and Volcano? And who can forget Stir of Echoes and The Sixth Sense? Look at this guy up front. I can tell he’s thinking of Deep Impact and Armageddon. They were both in space, I know. Guess which one Jim fixed up? That’s right! Armageddon. They said, Jim, we got another space disaster movie coming out against us, how do we outdo it?!! They’re both in space, Jim!!! I looked them dead in the eyes and said, “Put Aerosmith in space.”
Please, please, save your applause! I applaud YOU for being here today. This limitless potential I’m selling is for YOU! There’s no property that I can’t add outer space to. I’m the secret force behind almost every outer space associated project you can think of. Roland Emmerich came to me with a script that was a gay romance between a charismatic Marine and a quirky scientist at a 4th of July BBQ. I said, “Roland, I’m gonna add space to it.”
It became Independence Day. Around that same time, I had a buddy come to me with a script about basketball. He said, “Jim, we want Michael Jordan for this.” He showed me the script. It was called Jam. I shook my head, took out my pen and wrote “Space” on the cover.
I can use the vacuum of space to clean up your story!
The rest is history.
Thank you! Thank you! For a bargain I can use the vacuum of space to clean up your story! Now a few of you might be thinking, “Jim, that’s impossible. There’s no way my characters are going to outer space. It makes no sense.” WRONG! I put Jason Voorhees in space.
That’s right. Friday the 13th in space.Did putting him there make sense? NO! But it made money! And far more money than I charged for my services. I can even do it on an actor by actor basis. Somebody said to me, “Jim, I really like Sam Rockwell as an actor, but I’m not sure what to do with him.”
I put him in Moon—endless Sam Rockwells.
I watched Ocean’s Eleven and said, “Hmm. I’m gonna add some outer space.”
Clooney in Gravity, Damon in The Martian, Pitt in Ad Astra.
And, bonus, Gravity was originally a biopic about Isaac Newton told from the perspective of the apple. That’s killing two planets with ONE asteroid! I bet you’ve heard that old de debate about Die Hard, right? Is it a Christmas movie? Well I made it a space movie.
The Fifth Element!
Now settle down! Settle down folks! I’m here today for ALL of you. We’re gonna send them all to space! Well, except for you comic book fellas. You all just hang in the back and we’ll talk after. You’ve pretty much sent everyone from Batman to Bazooka Joe to space.
Thanks for your time, everyone!
Just remember what Jim Hapscomb of Topdown Creekriver, Indiana always says! “Shoot for the Moon! If you miss, I’ll put your script in the STARS!!”